There are lots of emotions that we all experience such as happy, sad, and angry plus others. We experience these emotions in response to our thoughts and feelings and because of what is happening around us. We are all different so the same thing could happen to two people and yet they could both feel totally different emotions! For example, if a family member is having a baby one person might feel very happy and another might feel worried about the change.
Through life, we all experience ups and downs with our emotions which happen as we learn to respond to different situations. When you reach adolescence (age 10 to 19 years), there are many changes to deal with including physical changes to your body, the start of different relationships and friendships, and new challenges at school.
How might you experience emotions?
Puberty
As well as physical changes all young people will experience social and emotional changes during puberty. These may start before any physical signs are visible. This is also a huge time of change for the brain which can impact on decision making and impulsivity.
Changes may include:
- Mood swings including irritability, tearfulness, anger, overwhelming happiness or confusion
- Intense emotions of love, low self-esteem, frustration and apathy
- They may become argumentative and challenge authority or rules
- May be physically attracted to others
- Begin to want more independence and freedom
- Possibly moving to Secondary school and changing peers
- Being expected to pick subjects and plan for the future
- May want to spend more time alone and crave privacy
- Peers become more important
- Increased experimentation and risk-taking behaviour
- Different expectations from family/school/peers
- Experimentation with different identities
- Expressing individuality
Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to identify and manage our own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. Emotional intelligence is generally said to include a few skills: namely emotional awareness, or the ability to identify and name your own emotions; the ability to connect those emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problem solving; and the ability to manage emotions, which includes both regulating your own emotions when necessary and helping others to do the same.
You can learn to be more emotionally intelligent by learning to identify the emotions you are feeling as well as understanding them. If you are able to name the emotion you are feeling, you have a better chance of understanding what you are feeling. You can also learn to better regulate your emotions just by stopping and thinking before you act and judge. These skills will help you martial inner resolve and stick to what really matters in life.
Emotional Regulation
Regulating our emotions is a skill. Some of us learn to regulate our emotions as we grow up. For example, when a child spills their drink, they may be distraught, but as they grow up they no longer become upset by this and instead learn to pick up the cup, clean up the mess and get a new drink. We are all different, so some people find it easier than others to regulate their emotions. It is also important to remember that at times everyone struggles to manage their emotions!
Emotional dysregulation
For some young people, regulating these emotions can be difficult and people might call this ‘emotional dysregulation’. This means you might find it more difficult to:
- be aware of your emotions.
- accept and tolerate unpleasant emotions.
- identify specific emotions you are feeling and tell the difference between them.
- recognise and understand patterns in your emotional reactions.
- manage emotional reactions in ways that work well in the long-term.
With emotional dysregulation, you might notice your emotions go from 0 to 100 very quickly. This can feel overwhelming and intense, sometimes leading to impulsive behaviours.
https://www.awp.nhs.uk/camhs/conditions/emotional-difficulties
Feeling different from usual or noticed a change in your behaviour? Find out about some common feelings and mental health symptoms, how to cope, and where to go to get help. Sometimes, we might feel different from other people or that they don’t understand how we are feeling. This can be really tough and isolating. If you are feeling this way, we have tips and advice on what you can do to feel better. This Young Minds website can provide more specific advice when you face difficult feelings:
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/my-feelings/
General Tips
Think about the things at school, college or at home that you find tricky and the things that you find easy.
Write the things we find really easy on the left through to things we find really tricky on the right. For example, I find maths really easy, but lunchtime is really tricky.
What can you do?
Notice the sensations in your body.- Sometimes it is difficult to work out how we are feeling. This is normal. There are some ways to learn how to do this. Learn to notice your body cues and sensations. Then think about what word might describe those sensations: “Name it to tame it”. For example, we may notice that our stomach tightens and our heart beats faster when we feel scared.
Identify the feeling/label the emotion.- If naming emotions is difficult, talking, drawing, or writing things down that have happened before we felt that emotion can help. It may have been something that happened earlier that caused the emotional response.
Practice coping strategies when calm- Practice coping strategies for the moment, not in the moment. If we practice new coping strategies when we are calm, it means they are easier to use when we are stressed or overwhelmed. Identify what we find tricky and easy. Things that we find
tricky can cause big emotions. If we can figure out what things we find tricky, we can then work out strategies we can use to make them easier.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is about living more in the present moment, appreciating the here and now, and not dwelling too much on the past or future.
While we have some control over the present, we cannot go back and change things that have already happened. We also have less control over future events than we might think.
This means we can spend a lot of energy worrying when it could be more beneficial to focus on and enjoy what is happening right now.
Mindful living means paying attention to the present, appreciating what is happening and enjoying the simple things in life.
This can help us to feel calmer, reduce stress or anxiety, sleep better and might help us cope better with difficult situations.
What is mindfulness? – Mental wellbeing tips – Every Mind Matters – NHS (www.nhs.uk)
Mindfulness strategies:
Anchoring – returning attention (if attention has been wondering back to past memories or future worries) back to the present moment. This can involve: paying attention to one’s breath, notice belly rising and falling with the breath, counting breaths in and out, using certain words that are calming to the child
Mindful activities that you enjoy
Using 5 senses to pay attention – paying attention to what we see, hear, smell, touch, taste
Mindful breathing – eg ‘sniff the flower and blow the candle’ – taking in deep, slow breaths, imagining one of smelling a beautiful flower, breathing out slowly through the mouth as if blowing out a candle, repeat this several times
Noticing your triggers
Noticing your triggers is something that can be difficult to learn. When you are in emotional distress of any kind, it can be hard to see ‘outside’ of that experience to what might have caused it, as the experience itself is very overwhelming. That’s why it can be useful to think about this even when you’re feeling better or your distress has somewhat subsided, as it could help you protect yourself from environments that negatively impact your mental health.
A trigger might be obvious, for example, an upsetting word or image, but could also be harder to pinpoint, for example, a general sense of unease after spending a lot of time with someone or talking about a particular topic in depth.
Another reason it can be difficult to spot triggers is that they may be things that are part of every day, ‘normal’ life, which aren’t always things we are taught that we can question or challenge. For example, some people find loud noises particularly alarming, and find that they trigger symptoms of panic, fear or anxiety, so they would feel safer in environments where people try to be actively mindful of that.
It is always okay to say something if there is an activity, experience or conversation that causes you emotional distress – you might find that something can be done to avoid having to encounter it again. Ultimately, you deserve to be in an environment that makes you feel safe and secure.
Psychology Today have these top tips to managing your emotional triggers which you may find helpful.
- accept responsibility for your reactions.
- recognize that you are having an emotional reaction as soon as it begins to appear in your body.
- If the emotion is related to fear, anger, or sadness, determine what triggered the emotion.
- choose what you want to feel and what you want to do.
- actively shift your emotional state.
Listening to your body
It is easy to think about our physical health as being separate to our mental health but in reality, they are very much connected and one can impact the other. So, just as you might need to give your body a rest if you have a cold or injure yourself, if you are stressed, anxious or feeling down it can sometimes present as physical symptoms including loss of energy, tension or aches in the body, stomach problems, difficulties concentrating and sleep problems.
Sometimes, it can be really hard to know if how you are feeling is caused by a physical ailment or by psychological distress so we would always recommend that you speak to your GP and let them know how you are feeling, both physically and mentally. You might find it hard to speak about how you’re feeling, so you could always write down what you’d like to share beforehand or take a trusted friend or family member who is aware of how you’re feeling, who can speak on your behalf if you don’t feel able or comfortable discussing how you’re feeling. Your GP can then assess whether your symptoms may be due to your mental health and offer advice or suggest a referral if needed.
Spending time with animals/pets
Lots of people find spending time with animals a really fun and soothing way to help their mental health. This could look from playing with or stroking a pet, volunteering at a local animal rescue project or visiting a local farm, zoo or pet shop. A lot of people find it very calming whilst also helping them to get away from their usual thoughts.
If you don’t have a pet or know anyone you can pet-sit for, why not consider volunteering for RSPCA or Blue Cross? Not only will you get to spend time with animals but you’ll gain new skills which you can add to your CV and may help improve your confidence!
Understanding negative thoughts and feelings
It’s often useful to recognise that a lot of our fears or negative thoughts about ourselves are events happening internally in our heads rather than in ‘reality’ around us, though they feel very real to us when we experience them. Becoming aware of them, noticing them or analysing them a bit can help us to prevent them from taking over, shaping the way we see ourselves or affecting our self-esteem. You could try asking yourself when these thoughts started and looking for any triggers.
Challenging negative feelings
The same way you might if a friend was feeling down on themselves, it can really help to think of some reasons to question your negative feelings. We can be very hard on ourselves and it’s much easier to fall into a pattern of self-criticism than it is of self-compassion – but practicing being kind to yourself can help to lift your spirits. For example, if you feel anxious and self-critical, you can try telling yourself that that is your anxiety speaking, not you, and that it will eventually pass without harming you.
Some people find it helps to visualise their negative thoughts in the mind’s eye as balloons and let them fly away.
Crying
If you feel like you need to cry, that’s perfectly okay – expressing your emotions through crying can be very soothing and feels much better than hiding them away or pretending you’re okay when you’re not. There is nothing wrong with crying; it’s a natural human response to a wide range of emotions, including happiness and sadness.
For some people, there is still a lot of stigma around crying, so if you or someone you know starts crying then it’s important to remember that it is never a sign of weakness. In fact, it might be a sign that you or they try to cope with a lot of stuff, and that some extra support might be needed. Boys and men in particular are often affected by this stigma and feel extra pressure to be seen as tough rather than as emotional.
Low mood
Everyone feels low or down from time to time. It does not always mean something is wrong. Feeling low is common after distressing events or major life changes, but sometimes periods of low mood happen for no obvious reason.
You may feel tired, lacking confidence, frustrated, angry and worried. But a low mood will often pass after a couple of days or weeks – and there are some easy things you can try and small, everyday changes you can make that will usually help improve your mood.
If you’re still feeling down or no longer get pleasure from things for most of each day and this lasts for several weeks, you may be experiencing depression.
Signs of low mood
Feeling low may cause someone to stop doing the things they like, cut themselves off from loved ones or have difficulty sleeping. Other signs include feeling:
- sad
- worried, anxious or panicked
- tired
- less confident
- frustrated, irritated or angry
A low mood should lift after a few days, but if it lasts longer than about 2 weeks, it may be a sign of depression.
There are lots of things that can influence our mental health, such as our upbringing, childhood environment, things that happen to us and even our temperament.
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/depression-and-low-mood/
https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-health-issues/low-mood/
Self-harm
Self-harm is when you intentionally cause harm to yourself as a way of dealing with difficult feelings, traumatic experiences or memories, neglect, or situations that you find overwhelming. People sometimes self-harm when life feels hard to cope with.
Self-harm can look different for different people. You might find yourself doing things which are harmful, but not think of them as ‘self-harm’. But that doesn’t make your experience any less valid.
- Self-harm can look like:
- cutting yourself
- using drugs or alcohol to cope with your problems
- not eating, over-eating, or forcing yourself to throw up
- spending all your time on addictive behaviours like gaming, social media or gambling
- over-exercising and/or exercising when you are injured
- biting, hitting or burning yourself
- hitting walls
- getting into situations on purpose where you risk getting hurt, including fights or risky sexual behaviour
Often self-harming only brings temporary relief. You might also have negative feelings after self-harming, such as guilt, shame or fear. When difficult feelings start to build up again, you might feel like you have to harm again. It can be really hard to break out of this cycle. Self-harming can become a habit and it can be upsetting to think that this is your only way to cope. But there are things you can do to stop self-harming and get better. And with support, you can learn other ways of coping when things feel too much.
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/my-feelings/self-harm/
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/suicidal-thoughts/
Time away from social media
Sometimes technology and social media can be a lifeline but sometimes they can be completely overwhelming, and it feels like notifications and messages are never ending.
When we feel like we are constantly attached to everyone and all that is happening in the wider world it can become exhausting. That’s one of the reasons why lots of people find time away from social media a really important part of their daily self-care (even if it does feel weird at first!)
A Happy Box
A happy box (or a whatever-you’d-like-to-call-it box) is a place to put special memory items or little trinkets, such as photos of an important day, concert or train tickets, gifts or notes that friends or family have given, or even receipts for things you’d like to remember enjoying. You could put in letters from your friends with words of encouragement, or birthday cards from loved ones. Some people might like to include smells that make them happy, such as a perfume tester or some dried lavender.
Writing things down
Writing things down, by using a journal or a diary, can help you to defuse a situation that you have kept inside you. For some people, they use journals as a way of sharing difficult feels, expressing words that they would not be able to say out loud. Others use journals to track their mental health, highlighting the good days and the bad so that they learn more about themselves and their mental health.
Sometimes people use paper journals, or others use blogs or their social media to let it out. There are many websites that can give you advice on how to journal including the University of Rochester. The blog Journaling for Mindfulness also includes over 40 prompts to help you start journaling.
How to journal
Try these tips to help you get started with journaling:
- Try to write every day. Set aside a few minutes every day to write. This will help you to write in your journal regularly.
- Make it easy. Keep a pen and paper handy at all times. Then when you want to write down your thoughts, you can. You can also keep a journal on your smartphone.
- Write or draw whatever feels right. Your journal doesn’t need to follow any certain structure. It’s your own private place to discuss and create whatever you want to express your feelings. Let the words and ideas flow freely. Don’t worry about spelling mistakes or what other people might think.
- Use your journal as you see fit. You don’t have to share your journal with anyone. If you do want to share some of your thoughts with trusted friends and loved ones, you could show them parts of your journal.
Journaling for Emotional Wellness – Health Encyclopedia – University of Rochester Medical Center
Journaling for Mindfulness: 44 Prompts, Examples & Exercises (positivepsychology.com)
Letting off steam
It is natural that sometimes our emotions build and can create pressure internally that needs to be released. For example, after doing a lot of revision, many find it helpful to let off steam by doing an activity that makes them feel happy or relaxed, so that focussing so hard on studying doesn’t become overwhelming.
It’s also natural to feel frustrated from time to time, whether that’s because you missed your bus, had an argument with someone, lost something important, or have been having difficulty with your mental health. There are lots of different ways of letting off steam, and while some people find that physical activity such as dancing or boxing helps, others would rather scream into a pillow!
It is important to be able to let off steam in a way that suits you, since keeping your emotions pent up might cause your stress levels to rise – kind of like shaking a bottle of fizzy drink over and over and then when you finally take the lid off it explodes! However, if you feel it’s impossible to relieve this pressure for very long or find yourself in a constant state of anger or distress, then it is important to talk to someone. When letting off steam, consider your surroundings and avoid harming yourself or others – if engaging in harmful activities gives you a sense of release, then this is a sign that you need additional support, rather than trying to cope on your own. You could try speaking to a trusted adult, like a parent, guardian or teacher.
Confronting your fears
This doesn’t apply to all fears as many of our fears are rational and are there to keep us safe, so exposing yourself to a situation that scares you can be dangerous or harmful.
In some cases, however, we can perceive threats or become fearful of something that, in practice, will not harm us. These are the sorts of fears it might be worth thinking about confronting. This is an activity that will likely take time, and should be carried out slowly and safely, in a supportive and stable environment. For example, if someone felt afraid to be out in a public space, such as a coffee shop, but would rather that their fear didn’t prevent them from enjoying this activity, then they might find that asking a trusted friend or family member to reassure them, talk to them and guide them through the experience slowly in lots of little steps may help their fear to gradually diminish. It’s really important to surround yourself with people you feel safe around and to communicate your intentions to them so they can support you through it.
Feeling anxious
Anxiety is when you feel scared, worried or panicked about something. It’s a normal, human feeling and your body’s natural response to stress or danger. Anyone can experience anxiety, regardless of age, gender, race, culture or faith.
We all feel anxious from time to time. Day-to-day things like friendship, money, exams or work can cause anxiety. Or certain situations, such as travelling home at night, starting a new school or giving a presentation. But the feeling usually passes once we feel safe or solve the problem we had. Generally the worries stop and we’re able to carry on with our lives.
The fight or flight response
As humans evolved, our brains developed an inbuilt alarm system. It warns us when something isn’t right and we need to keep ourselves safe. This alarm triggers what is known as the ‘fight or flight’ response – this is when your body prepares to either run away, fight, or freeze.
Think about what happens in your body when you feel anxious. You might feel a churning feeling in your stomach, dizzy or light-headed or hot and sweaty. These symptoms are all part of the fight or flight response.
This can make us feel like we’re in physical danger, but it’s important to remember that feeling this way doesn’t necessarily mean you are in danger.
Ways to look after yourself if you are anxious
If you’re struggling with anxiety, there are things you can do and support available to help you feel better. Different techniques will work for different people, and there might be one or two activities that you know you can use at different times.
For example, breathing and mindfulness. This could help you feel calm before doing something that you know makes you anxious. But this might not help in an anxious moment. Instead, you might move or stretch your body, play a game, or focus your attention on your senses and what’s around you.
When does anxiety become a problem?
Anxiety becomes a problem when it is more long term, and you feel stuck in your worries or fears. They may last for a long time, even after a stressful situation has passed. You might feel upset and overwhelmed, as if your worries are too big to manage. Or they may stop you from doing everyday things.
When anxiety becomes a problem, it is sometimes called an anxiety disorder. There are different types of anxiety disorders, and they can affect your life in different ways. Speaking to your GP, or someone else you trust, can help you find out what the problem is and how you can take care of yourself.
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/mental-health-conditions/anxiety
Types of anxiety disorders
Understanding different types of anxiety disorders can help you understand your own experience better and explain it to people you trust. As there are many ways to experience anxiety, you might recognise your experience in more than one anxiety disorder, or you might not recognise your experience here at all. That doesn’t mean that your experience isn’t valid.
The important thing is that you speak to your GP if you are struggling with anxiety, however that looks. They can help you find the support that’s right for you, whatever you’re going through.
- Generalised anxiety disorder (GAD)
- Social anxiety disorder (or social phobia)
- Health anxiety
- Academic anxiety
- Specific phobias
- Agoraphobia
- Panic disorder
Health anxiety– You may have health anxiety if you spend a lot of time worrying about feeling ill or getting ill. You might constantly check your body for signs of illness and spend a lot of time researching symptoms. Or need a lot of reassurance that you’re not unwell, even when your GP tells you that you are healthy. This fear can affect your life in many ways and make you avoid certain situations.
Academic anxiety – It’s normal to experiences nerves, worry or stress when you’re studying. Especially when you have exams or assignments coming up. But if your anxiety feels too overwhelming and you’re finding it hard to cope, it’s time to reach out for help. Speaking to someone you trust is the first step towards getting support. This could be someone at school or university, your GP or someone close to you.
Agoraphobia is a type of phobia, and it can be experienced in lots of ways. You might be scared to leave a safe space, such as your home. Or you might be afraid of being left alone, or in a situation where you feel trapped and can’t get help. It’s important to talk to someone about agoraphobia as this can really affect your day-to-day life. If you don’t feel able to visit your GP, you can ask for a phone call instead. You could also ask someone you trust to go with you.
Panic disorder- If you have a panic disorder, you regularly experience panic attacks. These are usually sudden and out of the blue, without a clear cause, and can be difficult to manage. You might also be constantly worried about if and when a panic attack will happen. Remember, you are not alone and there is lots of support available.
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/blog/tips-for-managing-panic-attacks/
Feelings about identity
Adolescence is a critical period of identity formation. As teenagers, we start to intentionally develop a sense of self based on how the values we’re learning show up in our relationships with ourselves, our friends, family members, and in different scenarios that challenge us. This is the period where we start to become independent and form life goals. It can also be a period of storm and stress, as we experience mood disruptions, challenge authority figures, and take risks as we try to work out who we are.
Identity and the recognition that every young person’s identity is unique to them; is important in all social settings. Respect should be shown to individual differences, and we should explore and reflect our acceptance of others and seek to understand those differences.
Identity is made up of many unique characteristics, including (but not exclusively):
- Gender
- Race
- Culture
- Religion (or beliefs)
- Sexuality.
Neurodivergent identity
“Neurodivergent” is not a diagnosis. It is not a term in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5). Instead, it is a way of thinking about other diagnoses.
Identifying as neurodivergent is a personal choice. If you have been diagnosed with autism, ADHD, or any of the other conditions previously listed, you may choose to identify as neurodivergent. Some experts include other mental illnesses on their list of neurodivergent conditions, such as anxiety or depression.
Since it is not an official diagnosis, there are no standards for who “counts” as neurodivergent and who does not. However, it’s important not to mislabel common human behaviours as “neurodivergent.” Forgetting things, making mistakes, misspeaking, not listening, feeling tired, wanting a break from socializing—these are all behaviours that everyone experiences from time to time.
Neurodiversity is the idea that cognitive variations are a form of diversity, not a disease or disorder. It’s the mindset from which terms like “neurodivergent” and “neurotypical” emerge.
Individuals are considered either neurodivergent or neurotypical. Groups that include both neurotypical and neurodivergent people can be called neurodiverse. Individuals alone cannot be called neurodiverse because diversity implies two or more different experiences.
Gender identity
If you feel confused about your gender identity, you’re not alone.
Many teenagers question their gender, whether they feel female, male, non-binary or any of the other terms used on the gender spectrum.
Some people believe that society has become more accepting of differences in gender identity.
Although most people do not question their gender, for some young people their gender identity is more complex.
You may question your gender if your interests and social life do not fit with society’s expectations of the gender you were assigned at birth.
You may feel:
- that you cannot identify with being just male or female
- that you identify with multiple genders
- that you have no gender (agender)
- that you are non-binary
- Or, you may have a strong sense of being a gender that is different to the sex you were assigned at birth and may feel that this has affected the way you feel about your body.
For young people who feel distressed about their gender, puberty can be a very difficult and stressful time.
https://www.verywellmind.com/why-identity-matters-and-how-it-shapes-us-7504546
https://11to25hub.com/wp/identity/
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/trans-teenager/
Feeling angry
Anger is a normal, healthy emotion, which we all feel sometimes.
We often feel angry when we’re frustrated, we don’t like a situation or we have been treated badly. But we may also feel angry without knowing why, and that’s okay – as long as we find a way to express our feelings safely.
Understanding our anger and thinking about how we deal with it won’t get rid of it, but it will help us learn how to manage it.
When is anger a problem?
Anger only becomes a problem when we can’t manage it well and it gets out of control. Here’s some signs this might be happening:
- You express your anger through unhealthy or unsafe ways
- Your anger is affecting your everyday life
- Your anger is affecting your relationships and the people around you
- Anger is your go-to emotion and it’s all you can think about
If you’ve been experiencing any of these things for a while, speak to a trusted adult as soon as you can.
What are unhealthy ways of dealing with anger?
Angry behaviour may be externalised, which means you express it out loud or at others. Or it may be internalised, which means you take it out on yourself.
Some examples of unhealthy externalised angry behaviours include:
- Shouting or swearing
- Losing control
- Breaking or throwing things
- Emotionally or physically hurting others
- Being rude to others or getting into fights
- Trying to make others angry on purpose
Some examples of unhealthy internalised angry behaviours include:
- Not dealing with your anger and blaming yourself
- Stopping yourself from getting the things you need, like food or sleep
- Stopping yourself from doing things you enjoy, like seeing friends
- Drinking alcohol or taking drugs
- Self-harming
Being aware of these behaviours can help you learn new ways to deal with your feelings.
Ways to cope with anger
It might feel difficult when you’re experiencing anger, but there are things you can do to improve the way you feel.
We’re all different, so something that works for someone else might not work as well for you. You might have to try a few tips to see what works best.
Tips for managing anger in the moment
It can be really scary when your anger takes over or you lose control in a situation. But you can learn safer, more healthy ways to manage your anger in the moment.
Here are our top tips:
Spot the signs – When you start getting angry, your brain releases adrenaline through your body. You might start to feel:
- Your muscles tensing up
- Your heart beating faster
- You’re shaking or sweating
Recognising these warning signs can give you a chance to think about how you want to react to the situation.
The earlier you notice how you’re feeling, the easier it can be to choose how to manage your anger.
Tips for coping with anger at school or college
School and college can be really stressful.
Here are some things you can try if you’re feeling angry when you’re there:
- Tune into how your body is feeling. If your shoulders are hunched up or you’re gritting your teeth, relaxing those muscles can help you to feel calmer.
- Take a deep breath. Or try counting backwards from 10, before you say or do anything.
- Explain how you’re feeling. You could use a phrase like ‘I’m feeling angry because…’, ‘I’m angry and need to take a break because…’.
- Use your breaks to zone out. Knowing there’s a quiet room or safe space where you can go at break times may help you to deal with your anger. If you’re not sure what’s available, speak to a teacher you trust.
- Talk to your teachers. Let them know how you’re feeling as soon as you can. This will help them to support you in the moment. When you’re feeling calmer, try to explain what you’re experiencing and how they can help you in the future.
- Separate yourself from people that make you angry in class. You could do this by asking a teacher if you can change seats, or sitting somewhere else if that’s allowed.
Tips for dealing with arguments
Arguments with friends and family are difficult to deal with. But they can be even harder if you feel angry or frustrated.
Here are our top tips on how to deal with them:
- Think about what you want to say before you say it. Try saying your next sentence in your head before you say it out loud.
- Take a deep breath before you answer. This might be enough to let your thoughts settle and make a choice about how you want to react.
- Listen to their point of view. This will help you understand why they feel that way, and it will give you time to think about how you respond to them.
- Apologise for being angry. Don’t use it as an excuse for your behaviour, but try to explain it’s something you’re working on.
- Think about what you’re feeling. Are you angry at the person you’re speaking to, or is it about something else?
- Think about the consequences of your behaviour. Will this affect your relationship with someone? Will this upset someone? Will this get you into trouble?
- Think about whether you’ll care about this in 6 months’ time. If the answer is no, it’s probably not worth it.
- Leave the situation. Can you come back to the conversation when you’re feeling calmer?
Tips for anger online or over messenger
If you’re struggling to deal with a conversation on social media or a messenger app, you could try to:
- Think about who you’re messaging, and who will see it.
- Ask a friend to look over the posts for you – they could see if your reaction is okay, or help you find a better way to respond.
- Ask yourself ‘am I angry enough to say something I might regret later?’ – if the answer is ‘yes’, don’t post or message anything.
- Take a break and come back to it later – can it wait for half an hour, or until tomorrow? Give yourself time to think about if you want to reply, and what you should say.
Tips for managing anger in the long-term
When you’re feeling calm, spend some time thinking about how you want to manage your anger in the future.
You could try to:
- Recognise your triggers
- You could try to keep a mood diary or journal to make notes about what happens when you feel angry. Try to record:
- The day or date and time
- The situation or where you were
- What made you angry?
- How did you feel?
- How did you react?
- How did you feel afterwards?
- How do you think others felt?
- What could you have done differently?
Over a couple of months, you might start to notice a pattern. You can then identify safer and more positive ways to manage your anger in triggering situations.
Love, romance and crushes
Relationships during the teenage years are important sources of both well-being and vulnerability. Furthermore, early romantic experiences influence adult relationships.
There isn’t a ‘right’ age to start having relationships. But changes often happen around these ages:
At 9-11 years, your child might start to show more independence from your family and more interest in friends.
At 10-14 years, your child might start feeling attracted to others.
At 15-19 years, romantic relationships can become central to teenage social lives.
It’s also common for children to have no interest in romantic relationships until their late teens or early 20s. Some young people choose to focus on study, sport or other interests.
For LGBTQ+ teenagers, other things can influence when they start having relationships. LGBTQ+ teenagers might find it hard to ‘come out’ or they might feel they need to pretend to be straight to fit in. They might also feel worried about prejudice, discrimination or bullying.
First crushes
Before you start having relationships, you might have one or more crushes.
An identity crush is when you find someone you admire and want to be like.
A romantic crush is the beginning of romantic feelings. It’s about you imagining another person as perfect or ideal. This can tell you a lot about the things that you find attractive in people.
Romantic crushes tend not to last very long because ideals often break down when you get to know the other person better. But your intense feelings are real.
Early pre-teen and teenage relationships
Younger teenagers usually hang out together in groups. They might meet up with someone special among friends and then gradually spend more time with that person alone. In these years, relationships might last only a few weeks or months.
If you want to go out alone with someone special, talking about it with a trusted adult can help you get a sense of whether you are ready. Do you want a partner just because your friends do? Does you think it’s the only way to go out and have fun? Or does you want to spend time getting to know someone better?
If the person you are interested in is older or younger, it could be worth considering that people of different ages might want different things from relationships.
Same-sex attraction and relationships for pre-teens and teenagers
For some young people, sexual development during adolescence will include same-sex attraction, experiences and relationships. Other young people might develop bisexual attraction.
Some pre-teens and teenagers might be quite clear about how they feel and who they’re attracted to. Others might feel confused if their feelings and attractions seem different from what their friends are experiencing or what they see in the media.
Sexuality develops over time. Exploration and experimentation with sexuality is normal and common.
Respectful relationships
Respectful relationships allow teenagers to feel valued and accepted for who they are. These relationships are a vital part of healthy social, sexual and emotional development for teenagers.
Teenagers in respectful romantic relationships:
- can make their own choices – for example, they can choose what activities they want to do, who they’re friends with and how they spend their time, together and apart
- treat each other equally and fairly – for example, if they belong to different religions, it’s OK for them to follow their own beliefs
- see mistakes as normal and OK – for example, if they forget to phone each other, they say, ‘It’s easy to forget – next time it might be me who forgets’
- are intimate and touch each other only when they both want to – for example, they agree that they’ll touch or have sex only when they’re both ready
- don’t feel pressure to do things that make them uncomfortable – for example, they can say ‘No, I don’t want to go to that party’ or ‘No, I don’t want to drink alcohol’
- communicate openly and sort out conflicts fairly – for example, if they disagree about how much time to spend with each other, they work out a solution that suits them both.
Dealing with break-ups in teenage relationships
Break-ups and broken hearts are part of teenage relationships. To make things worse, teenage break-ups might be played out in public – maybe at school or on social media.
This is part of learning how to cope with difficult decisions and disappointments. You might need time and space, a shoulder to cry on, and a willing ear to listen. Your might also need some distraction.
Romantic relationships and feelings: autistic teenagers
Dealing with loss and bereavement
When someone you know dies, the grief that follows can be a really difficult and painful process. People are sometimes surprised by just how painful it can be, and just how long the process can last.
This short video won’t take that pain away, but it does have some ideas based on what other young people have said, that might help you through it.
Below the video we’ve included links to some charities who offer a range of support for young people who may be grieving. You can look at each organisation, read their advice and contact them direct if you would like someone to talk to or need support.
A guide on traumatic bereavement for children and young people has been created by the UK Trauma Council. The guide will help you learn about traumatic bereavement and what might help if you are worried about yourself or someone else.
https://uktraumacouncil.org/resource/traumatic-bereavement-guide-for-children-young-people?cn-reloaded=1
How physical illness might affect emotions and mental wellbeing
Our physical health can affect our emotions and mental wellbeing– and vice-versa. Age, life experiences and the support we have might also shape how we feel or respond to illness.
However, a long-term physical illness or a life-long or chronic condition, is more likely to lead to:
- stress, worry or anxiety, especially over appointments or test results
- low self-esteem, or feelings around discrimination or stigmatism
- social isolation or loneliness, possibly due to long stays in hospital or having to stay home more
- anger, frustration, or grief, especially if being ill stops us from socialising or doing things we enjoy
- sleep problems, which might be caused by pain, sickness, or from the side effects of some medicines
- some less common mental illnesses, such as eating disorders
https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/lifes-challenges/health-issues/#ways
Stress, emotions and physical symptoms
Stress can affect our emotions and we may:
- be irritable, angry or tearful
- feel worried, anxious, hopeless or scared
- struggle to make decisions, have racing thoughts or feel overwhelmed
The physical symptoms of stress include:
- stomach problems, stress headaches and other odd pains including muscle pain
- skin reactions, like stress rashes and hives
- feeling dizzy, sick or faint
Sometimes, stress causes high blood pressure and chest pains – but these symptoms should stop when your stress goes. If you have any symptoms that you are worried about, or feel you have more severe stress, see a GP.
Stress can also make us behave differently, especially around:
- how much we eat or exercise
- our habits around drinking, smoking or taking other substances
- how much we see people or do things we used to do or enjoy (avoidance)
https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-health-issues/stress/
Resources for teens
The Anxiety Workbook For Teens: Activities to Help You Deal With Anxiety & Worry: (Teen Instant Help) Paperback – 29 May 2008 by Lisa. M. Schab
Starving the Anxiety Gremlin: A Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook on Anxiety Management for Young People (Gremlin and Thief CBT Workbooks) Paperback – 28 Feb 2013 by Kate Collins-Donnelly
A 5 Is Against the Law! Social Boundaries: Straight Up! An honest guide for teens and young adults by Kari Dunn Buron intervention that identifies and explains how to handle different levels of anxiety, frustration, and anger
Talking Therapies
https://www.cornwallft.nhs.uk/talking-therapies
Self-help resource:
https://www.childline.org.uk
http://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/
www.anxietycanada.com
https://parentandteen.com/take-active-steps-to-relax/
https://www.mindedforfamilies.org.uk/
Websites:
https://www.annafreud.org/resources/children-and-young-peoples-wellbeing
www.anxietycanada.com
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/
https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/conditions/anxiety/
Videos:
“Just Breathe” by Julie Bayer Salzman & Josh Salzman (Wavecrest Films)