What do we mean by the term emotional regulation?

Emotions have a powerful influence in our lives, giving us the ability to feel and experience the world. They exist on many different levels, highs, lows, and everything in between. Emotional regulation is the ability to manage our emotional responses, particularly in situations that may provoke emotions such as anxiety, stress and frustration. Often, we are unable to control things that happen in life, but we can learn to control the way we respond to them.

Why is it important to have emotional regulation?

Emotion regulation is important because our emotions are closely connected to how we think and feel. Our thoughts and feelings help us to decide how to respond to a situation and what actions to take. In other words, our thoughts and feelings influence our behaviour. If we learn skills to regulate our emotions, then instead of acting impulsively and doing something we might later regret we are able to make smart choices. Making smart choices makes our life easier and helps with our mental health.

What things influence emotional regulation?

• Understanding emotions. Some children have not yet developed the awareness of what emotions are/ how to name them.
• Understanding others’ emotions. This is tricky to do if a child has problems with identifying their own emotions. The world can be very confusing and scary if a child is not able to interpret what is happening around them.
• Communication is key. Not everyone is able to use words or signs to communicate how they feel or indeed understand what is being said to them. Many children cannot understand others or use their own body to communicate their feelings.
• Learning from parents, care givers or other children. Children can sometimes model what they see and what they know. Sometimes adults are not able to regulate their emotions. 
• Sensory processing. We all process information from the outside world and our own bodies differently. Some children have great difficulty in understanding how their bodies feel (this is sometimes called interoception) and how things in the environment affect how they feel.
• Past difficult experiences or periods of emotional trauma can affect how children develop emotional regulation. Sometimes children and their parents need support and guidance to help process emotional trauma.
• Physical sensations such as pain, hunger, tiredness will impact on how a child can emotionally regulate. Many children are not able to identify these sensations; they cannot tell trusted adults how they feel. This can lead to changes in mood and emotional dysregulation.
• Increasing use of technology devices

Guidance for parents around the use of technology

• From a young age encourage discussions within the family on content viewed online.
• Pick your battles, be flexible and choose the right moment to discuss technology with your children. Remember, the younger the child the easier it is to develop good habits around technology use, for example around the use of screens at bedtime
• Provide a positive perspective on healthy routines e.g. having beautiful skin from a good night’s sleep rather than discussing the negative consequences of poor sleep.
• You may feel that your children know more about technology than you do but remember you know a lot about being a parent and this is just another opportunity to use your parenting skills. Resources such as MindEd provide helpful advice about parenting and technology.
• Be open about your concerns and seek advice if your child is engaging excessively with online activities and becoming more withdrawn.
• Screen time boundaries
• Think about the developmental needs of your child. Try to decide what is the right age for your child to own a smartphone or tablet. If your child is using your smartphone or tablet ensure that you have set the controls for appropriate content access.
• Sleep is central to healthy functioning. Screens should be kept out of the bedroom and children should spend one hour away from all technology conducting relaxing activities before bed.

Promoting a balance of activities

• Try to promote offline activities e.g. talking and playing games together. Remember technology can also be a positive parenting strategy, for example by watching educational programmes together and talking about the programmes you have seen.
• Children can often spend large amounts of time sitting in front of a screen. However, we know that physical activity is very important for children and young people’s physical and mental health. Try to encourage your child to take breaks from the screen and take regular exercise.
• Support your child to enhance their social and emotional development by promoting the development of offline relationships with family and friends. Online relationships can be an important way for children to keep in touch with friends and family but face-to-face relationships are vital for the development of social and communication life skills.
• Ensure that you build in times of the day without devices e.g. mealtimes.

Parents modelling a balanced approach to technology

• You can model good screen use by moderating your own use of technology and avoiding phones at certain times e.g. at mealtimes and during face-to-face conversations.

Safeguarding

• Think about your child’s online safety, for example: by reviewing privacy settings; sharing of their location; sharing of personal information and images; and discussing how children can block unwanted messages.
• Provide general guidance about the internet and ways of interacting safely online, for example, oversharing information, online identities and meeting people they don’t know offline.

Younger children

• If boundaries are set at an early age then it may be easier to support children to develop routines.
• Keep very young children’s use of screen time to a minimum: the World Health Organization (WHO) recommends that 1-year-olds should not have access to screen time and 2 to 4-year-olds should have a maximum of one hour a day, although ‘less is better’.
• Ensure that children are using age-appropriate apps, games and television.

Older children

• Dialogue around boundaries becomes increasingly important as a child becomes older. Maintaining a positive parent–child relationship is important in providing a space for children to be open and discuss any worries they may have related to technology use e.g. cyberbullying, unwanted messages, inappropriate images, worries about missing out. If your child is able to discuss their worries this will be an opportunity to offer support and help your child with maintaining boundaries around screen use.
• Work with your child to set boundaries around the amount of screen time and the times when screens can be used. Encourage self-observation of screen time involvement through the use of self-monitoring apps. 
• Support young people to manage the potential impact of hurtful comments and other experiences which may be stressful, such as viewing distressing content, comparing themselves to others, worries about their self-image and the impact of fear of missing out

Warning signs of emotional dysregulation

Helping the child/ young person to identify the warning signs (i.e. when anger or anxiety is beginning to build) as well as a clear plan of what works to calm them down at each stage. The idea is to have strategies to help before the child/young person gets to the point where they feel they can’t cope anymore and their ‘primitive brain’ kicks in, resulting in a ‘fight or flight’ response.

• Supporting children in consistently identifying and verbally expressing their feelings is a really important step in helping them to communicate and manage their emotions or frustrations. Encourage child/ young person to identify their emotions and how they feel in their body. It is important to recognise this as learning a new skill which should be done when the child/young person is in a calm or balanced state.
• Activities such as mindfulness and yoga can also be helpful to support the development of these skills and greater awareness of feelings inside the body.
• Those working with child/ young person should label emotions as they feel them, describing how these emotions feel and how they manage them.
• Children learn by observing others therefore modelling desired emotional regulation strategies that you wish for the child to use is helpful.
• Regular ‘check-ins’ may be helpful to help child/ young person become more aware of how they feel at specific moments. This can be integrated into daily routines both at home and in the classroom.
• Visual ‘mood cards’ may also be helpful to support child/ young person to communicate how they are feeling. These could include, for example, smiling or unhappy faces, or a traffic light system with green being happy and amber being frustrated or worried.
• A mood diary can also be helpful for parents and the child/young person to think about how they feel throughout the day, what their triggers may be and what helps them to feel more regulated.
• We all have different things that help us feel less stressed or overwhelmed. These may include anything from going for a walk, doing something we enjoy, listening to music or sensory strategies such as smelling lavender. It may be helpful to spend some time with child/ young person thinking about the things which they may find helpful. This may include certain activities, exercises, smells, textures or a calming environment.

Calming Strategies

Longer lasting ideas: Long term routine calming activities may be part of the day:

• Walk after coming home from school (with backpack on)
• Press-ups or chair press-ups regularly through the day e.g. before school, lunch time, after school
• Allow chill-out time prior to homework in a daily routine
• Help with moving furniture e.g. pushing sofa, re-locating plant pots, hoovering
• Help with manual tasks in the garden, e.g. digging
• Swimming
• Put on a heavy coat or heavy blanket over the shoulders as part of chill out time
• Have a corner with favourite sensory activities to go to at any time
• Squeeze / rock against a gym ball.
• Distracting the child with enjoyable activity that will place demands on their attention, eg. reading a book, watching show/movie, playing a game, baking, arts and crafts, spending time with animals
• Create a soothing box for/with the child using items that the child finds calming and comforting. Think about items that sooth different senses (touch, sight, sound, smell, taste). Items can include comforting blanket, favourite toys, photos, playlists etc.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is about living more in the present moment, appreciating the here and now, and not dwelling too much on the past or future. While we have some control over the present, we cannot go back and change things that have already happened. We also have less control over future events than we might think. This means we can spend a lot of energy worrying when it could be more beneficial to focus on and enjoy what is happening right now.

Mindful living means paying attention to the present, appreciating what is happening and enjoying the simple things in life. This can help us to feel calmer, reduce stress or anxiety, sleep better and might help us cope better with difficult situations.

What is mindfulness? – Mental wellbeing tips – https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/

Mindfulness strategies:

• Anchoring – returning attention (if attention has been wondering back to past memories or future worries) back to the present moment. This can involve: paying attention to one’s breath, notice belly rising and falling with the breath, counting breaths in and out, using certain words that are calming to the child
• Mindful activities that the child enjoys – eg colouring, blowing bubbles
• Using 5 senses to pay attention – paying attention to what we see, hear, smell, touch, taste
• Mindful breathing – eg ‘sniff the flower and blow the candle’ – taking in deep, slow breaths, imagining one of smelling a beautiful flower, breathing out slowly through the mouth as if blowing out a candle, repeat this several times

Anxiety

Anxiety is when your child or teenager feel scared, worried or panicked about something. It’s a normal, human feeling and your body’s natural response to stress or danger. Anyone can experience anxiety, regardless of age, gender, race, culture or faith.

We all feel anxious from time to time. Day-to-day things like friendship, money, exams or work can cause anxiety. Or certain situations, such as travelling home at night, starting a new school or giving a presentation. But the feeling usually passes once we feel safe or solve the problem we had. Generally, the worries stop and we’re able to carry on with our lives.

Anxiety becomes a problem when it is more long term, and your child or teenager feels stuck in their worries or fears. They may last for a long time, even after a stressful situation has passed. Your child or teenager might feel upset and overwhelmed, as if their worries are too big to manage. Or they may stop them from doing everyday things.

When anxiety becomes a problem, it is sometimes called an anxiety disorder. There are different types of anxiety disorders, and they can affect your child or teenager’s life in different ways.

Some types of anxiety your child/young person may be feeling

Health anxiety– Your child or teenager may have health anxiety if they spend a lot of time worrying about feeling ill or getting ill. They might constantly check their body for signs of illness and spend a lot of time researching symptoms. Or need a lot of reassurance that they’re not unwell, even when their GP tells them that they are healthy. This fear can affect their life in many ways and make them avoid certain situations.

Academic anxiety – It’s normal for your child or teenager to experience nerves, worry or stress when they are studying. Especially when they have exams or coming up or projects to hand in. But if their anxiety feels too overwhelming and they are finding it hard to cope, it’s time to reach out for help. Speaking to them first and then encouraging them to speak to someone they trust is the first step towards getting support. This could be someone at school or university, your GP or someone close to them.

Agoraphobia is a type of phobia, and it can be experienced in lots of ways. Your child or teenager might be scared to leave a safe space, such as your home. Or they might be afraid of being left alone, or in a situation where they feel trapped and can’t get help. It’s important to talk to someone about agoraphobia as this can really affect their day-to-day life. If they don’t feel able to visit the GP, you can ask for a phone call instead. They could also ask someone they trust to go with them.

Panic disorder– If your child or teenager has a panic disorder, they regularly experience panic attacks. These are usually sudden and out of the blue, without a clear cause, and can be difficult to manage. Your child or teenager might also be constantly worried about if and when a panic attack will happen. Remember, as a parent you are not alone and there is lots of support available.

Book: Overcoming your child’s fears and worries by Cathy Cresswell and Lucy Willetts

Handout: https://www.oxfordhealth.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/sites/13/2020/03/Overcoming-your-Childs-Fears-and-Worries-Handout-with-referrence.pdf