Masking isn’t just about wanting to fit in and changing your behaviour to be more like that of others. Everyone changes their behaviour sometimes, in different places or with different groups of people. Masking goes beyond this – it is about feeling that your natural way of being is unacceptable to others, and that you have to change everything about yourself to be accepted.

Masking often involves trying to change or reduce natural behaviours (e.g. stimming  repetitive movements or sounds), rocking, pacing) and responses to sensory stimuli (e.g. going to parties despite the noise and physical proximity being painful).

Masking is often wrongly associated just with neurodivergent females. People of all genders show masking behaviours for all sorts of reasons, and perceived differences between genders are probably linked to other gender stereotypes and gender-based expectations.

The possible repercussions of masking

For the child who has mastered masking, having held their emotions in all day, on stepping into the safety of home and the presence of their most trusted people (parents/carers) the pressure of holding everything in releases.  

As your child attempts to process and work through every situation and emotion that they have experienced during the day they might exhibit emotional dysregulation in the form of anger, aggression, frustration, tears, panic and what people sometimes refer to as “meltdowns” or “burnout”.  They may choose to isolate themselves in their bedroom.

A neurodivergent meltdown is a sensory overload incident that causes emotional distress. Meltdown is a term that is commonly used but many people dislike its use and prefer to use the term dysregulation.  A support system can help you deal with a neurodivergent meltdown. Online communities are another option. Taking breaks, focusing on positive emotions, and practicing good mental hygiene are all ways to cope.

A neurodivergent shut-down is a more muted response to extreme overload or stress. When someone goes into shutdown mode, there are a few common signs. These are:

• Being completely silent
• Not being able to communicate in any way
• Withdrawing to a quiet, dark space to get away from the cause of their shutdown
• Not being able to move from where they are because they’re thinking too much about the cause of their shutdown
• Lying down on a flat surface, being completely still

It’s not that easy to tell when a shutdown is going to happen, but if your son or daughter is feeling stressed or overwhelmed, it’s good to know what the root cause is. They may be in a crowded, noisy environment. They may be doing a task they find really difficult or may be on the brink of shutdown as a result of days and weeks of stress building up.  Shutdowns have two purposes. The first is to try and express that someone is feeling stressed, while the second is to try and get rid of that stress and calm down. In some instances, they occur after a meltdown, acting as a means of trying to return to normal.

Time to recover-  As is the case with some meltdowns, someone who experiences a shutdown will eventually come round. However, the time taken to recover varies depending on the shutdown’s cause, how overwhelmed the person is and how close they are to its cause.  To be on the safe side, it’s worth giving your child space when it happens. By being left alone for a while, they’ll be able to gradually de-stress and, in the process, be able to recover without it seeming forced or risking another shutdown occurring.  If your child has several shutdowns, take the time to find out what works to help them recover. It could be something they enjoy, something to stim with or a quiet, reassuring word or touch. The latter can work in knowing that your son or daughter has some support when at their most stressed or anxious.

A neurodivergent burnout grows with years of pretending to be something you are not; to fit in in a world that wasn’t designed for people like you. It is the result of the work the neurodivergent community have to do to close the gap between what neurotypical society expects us to be and who we are.

Masking Tics

Tics are fast, repetitive muscle movements that result in sudden and difficult to control body jolts or sounds.  They’re fairly common in childhood and typically first appear at around 5 years of age. Very occasionally they can start in adulthood.  Tics are not usually serious and normally improve over time. But they can be frustrating and interfere with everyday activities.

There are many types of tic. Some affect body movement (motor tics) and others result in a sound (vocal or phonic tics).

Examples of tics include:

• blinking, wrinkling the nose or grimacing
• jerking or banging the head
• clicking the fingers
• touching other people or things
• coughing, grunting or sniffing
• repeating a sound or phrase – in a small number of cases, this may be something obscene or offensive

Tics can happen randomly, and they may be associated with something such as stress, anxiety, tiredness, excitement or happiness. They tend to get worse if they’re talked about or focused on.  They often start with an unpleasant sensation that builds up in the body until relieved by the tic – known as an urge – although they can sometimes be partly suppressed.

Children should be encouraged to feel comfortable about ticking. Whilst tics are not voluntary, they can to an extent be suppressed. However, suppression is not generally recommended because it requires a lot of mental effort. A child won’t engage well in their lessons if all their mental energy is going into holding their tics in. Therefore, strategies should focus on managing tics rather than suppression, for example, by using fiddle toys, chewing gum or doodling. Children can be supported to identify situations where tics happen more so that if, say, loud noises are a trigger, they can wear noise-cancelling headphones or sit further back in assembly.

Parents, teachers and peers thus have a key role in helping a child to feel comfortable about ticking and viewing their tics as normal. Many children worry about how others might perceive them, and as mentioned above, feelings of anxiety and self-consciousness can exacerbate tics. Therefore, negative attention such as telling a child off or laughing at them is strongly discouraged. Positive attention should also be minimised because this can unconsciously reward tics and make them more likely to happen. Instead, tics should be talked about positively and ignored as much as possible when they occur.

There are some simple things you can do that may help to improve your or your child’s tics:

• avoid stress, anxiety and boredom – for example, try to find a relaxing and enjoyable activity to do (such as sport or a hobby). Read more advice about 10 stress busters, anxiety in children and anxiety, fear and panic
• avoid becoming too tired – try to get a good night’s sleep whenever possible. Read about ways to fight tiredness and the Royal College of Psychiatrists’ advice on sleeping well
• try to ignore your child’s tic and not talk about it too much – drawing attention to it may make it worse
• do not tell a child off when their tic occurs
• reassure your child that everything’s OK and there’s no reason for them to feel embarrassed
• let other people you’re in regular contact with know about tics, so they’re aware of them and know not to react when they occur

If your child is finding school difficult, talk to their teacher about ways of dealing with this. For example, it may help if they’re allowed to leave the classroom if their tics are particularly bad. 

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/tics/treatment/

https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/ticking-away

Struggling to maintain the mask all day in school

Some children and young people may struggle to mask and hold their emotions in all day at school and may have episodes where they dysregulate away from home.  They may show responsive behaviours or get upset. When this happens in front of their friends and teachers it can be hard to return to school the next day. 

Time without having to mask

Autistic and other neurodivergent people often feel the need to hide or mask their autistic traits in public, for example by suppressing the urge to stim. It can be important to factor times into your child’s day for things like stimming, somewhere they feel comfortable and able to do so.