Family life isn’t always easy. Sometimes we could all benefit from connecting with others in similar situations to ourselves, but this can be tough when you’re in a minority.

The experiences of children with lesbian and gay parents

How I feel about my family

• Many children of gay parents see their families as special and different because all families are special and different though some feel that their families are a lot closer than other people’s families.

• Some children feel that their family is a bit different if they have lesbian or gay parents but this is something to celebrate, not worry about.

• Other children do recognise that children with gay parents are less common than other sorts of families, but don’t feel this means that their families are any different to other people’s families because of it.

• Very young children don’t think their families are different from other people’s families at all.

How other people feel about my family

• Most people, including friends at school, are fine about children having gay parents. They think it is a good thing, or don’t really care.

• When children are younger though they can be a bit confused and don’t understand that someone can have two mums or two dads because their family isn’t like that. This means they sometimes have lots of questions for children who have gay parents.

• Sometimes other children can be mean about gay people because they have never met any gay people and don’t know much about them.

• Some people make judgements about what it’s like to have gay parents. They think children will have a certain type of life and not as good an upbringing. Children with gay parents can find these judgements upsetting.

• Children with gay parents like having gay parents and wouldn’t want things to change but wish other people were more accepting.

My experience at school

• Children with gay parents don’t like the way the word ‘gay’ is used as an insult in primary and secondary school. Some children said they try and stop people using the word in this way but find it difficult.

• Children say that teachers think the word ‘gay’ is a bit like a swear word and they don’t respond to anti-gay language in the same way they respond to racist language.

• Even when children with gay parents are very young, they have to answer lots of questions from their friends about their family. This makes them feel unusual.

• Once people understand, the questions stop but they start again when children move to different classes or schools.

• Some children with gay parents find it easy to answer these questions, but others find it annoying and uncomfortable.

• Some of the children are worried about bullying – especially when they first go to secondary school but many children with gay parents haven’t experienced any bullying because their parents are gay.

• But when children in primary and secondary school do experience bullying to do with having gay parents, schools aren’t always very good at doing anything about it.

• Children with gay parents said that lesbian, gay or bisexual people or families are never mentioned in schools, and they find this difficult and it makes them feel invisible.

• Sometimes this means they don’t tell people they have gay parents. They are worried about what may happen if other children know they have gay parents. This is stressful and they wish they could tell other people about their families.

• Children with gay parents want their schools to talk about different families and stop homophobic bullying. This would make them feel more able to be themselves in school.

Here are the voices of some children. This leaflet also includes Recommendations for schools:
https://www.ilga-europe.org/sites/default/files/stonewall_different_families.pdf

How might my child or young person be impacted?- What research has found

Children with gay, lesbian, transgender or other sexual minority parents fare as well as, or better than, children with parents of the opposite sex, according to research published in BMJ Global Health.
https://gh.bmj.com/content/8/3/e010556

Parents’ sexual orientation is not an important factor of children’s development, researchers said, based on an analysis of 34 studies published between 1989 and April 2022.

The analysis showed children in families with sexual or gender minority parents—an umbrella term for those who’s sexual or gender identities are considered outside social and cultural norms—fared as well as children from “traditional” opposite-sex parent families on a variety of metrics, including physical health and education outcomes.

On some metrics, children of sexual minority parents actually outperformed their peers from traditional families, particularly when it came to psychological adjustment and child-parent relationships.

The researchers suggested growing up with sexual minority parents “may confer some advantages to children,” possibly because they are more “tolerant of diversity and more nurturing towards younger children” than heterosexual parents, adding that exploring gender and sexual identity “may actually enhance children’s ability to succeed and thrive in a range of contexts.”

However, the researchers warned there are significant risks associated with being part of a sexual minority family such as social stigma, discrimination and poor social support, and called on policymakers and legislators to give families better legal protections, social support and access to community services like schools.

The researchers said the findings may not be universally applicable as the study drew from research conducted in areas where same-sex relationships were legalized and attitudes towards such families were more likely to be favourable.

There is little question that children living with same-sex parents sometimes feel “different” than their peers. However, researchers found that these children had a better understanding of the diversity of families that exist in the world. Despite encountering adversity due to having LGBT parents, studies show that these children have greater resilience in navigating difficult situations. They also had positive perceptions about their families.

Your LGBT+ child – The Journey for Parents

For many LGBTQ youth, breaking the news to their parents is the scariest part of coming out.

You don’t need to be an expert in all things LGBTQ to let them know you care. There’s no right or wrong way to express love, just be present and be open.  Even if you’re not sure what to say, something as simple as, “I’m here for you. I love you, and I will support you no matter what” can mean the world to your child.

It may be helpful to know many initial reactions to the news stem from fear and misinformation – fear of what your child will face in society, fear you may have done something wrong as a parent, fear of what others will think of them or you, as well as the enormous amount of misinformation around LGBT+.

It can be unexpected news to learn your child is LGBTQ and there are definite stages most parents experience. The stages below do not always happen in order, or just once, and some may not occur at all. Some stages pass quickly, others slowly. These stages represent the struggle to accept an enormous change in your family.

Many life events can trigger old feelings. For instance, if your child begins to date, moves away to college, encounters bullying or a hurtful comment, you may feel as if you have gone backwards to one of the earlier stages. This is not uncommon. Allow yourself to work through those feelings and regain your balance.

Initial denial or disbelief is common. Although many of us might wonder if our child is gay even before they tell us, usually we suppress and deny this possibility out of fear of what the truth might do to our family.

Even after a child comes out, parents may hope that this is a phase, a rebellion, or an experiment. However, when a child takes the important step of telling a parent he or she is gay, it is important to take them at their word. This is difficult, because it means truly facing what being gay means for the child and for you.

Grief is sadness about a loss. We may grieve the loss of the child we “knew” and their hoped for future. We mourn the disappearance of the life we envisioned for them. It takes time to grieve the death of the dreams for our child that centre around heterosexual life events. For example, a father may wonder if he will ever walk his daughter down the aisle at her wedding.

As with many changes, over time new dreams are built and new hopes arise. Some hopes may transfer, such as changing the hope for a good wife/husband to hope for a good partner/spouse. But the fundamental hopes and dreams can endure, such as love and happiness, career success, or starting a family.

Many parents feel the need to determine a reason why, which leads to guilt or blame. We blame ourselves, wondering if we did something wrong. We blame our children for “changing” and for forcing us to readjust our vision. We might even blame their partners and other gay or transgender people, incorrectly believing that our child was drawn into this life through the influence of others.

Research shows being gay, or transgender is not anyone’s fault. These are not illnesses, diseases, or choices. They are normal variants of human sexuality and gender identity that arise as the result of complex interactions of biological, genetic, and hormonal factors.

We fear breaking the silence and telling the truth. We fear being judged and losing our friends, family, and faith community. We fear the hatred, violence, and discrimination our children may encounter and endure. All of these are realistic possibilities for both parent and child, which makes it even more important to support each other and navigate the changes together.

Sometimes, fear may be justified. If you sense a friend or family member will be hostile, you can choose to protect your child by remaining silent about their LGBTQ identity. This is not necessarily a bad thing as long as it is supportive to your child. Your child should determine who knows and when to tell, for they will bear the result.

When family is not open about their child’s identity is it sometimes referred to as the “Second Closet.” This can be a good thing if the child needs privacy, but it can be a very bad thing if the child views it as the silence of shame.

We may feel angry at…

• Ourselves, for not recognizing the truth sooner.
• Our child for causing upheaval in our family.
• Other family members when feelings intensify either for or against the LGBTQ child.

It’s important to deal with your own anger and not direct it toward your child. It may help to recall your child has honoured you by trying to be truthful and honest. Deciding not to lie anymore is a strong motivation for many LGBTQ individuals.

With this stage comes the realization that it is we, not our child, who must change. How?

• Redraw our family picture to include this new reality
• Support our child and the family they have or will create
• Surround ourselves with other loving parents and friends
• Find a nurturing faith community
• Learn all we can

Family members may not come to this understanding at the same pace, but as each person accepts and supports the LGBTQ child, the child will gain an increased sense of safety and community.

Quite simply, this means loving your LGBTQ child, not in spite of who they are, but just as they are.

Your acceptance of your LGBTQ child creates a safe space where they can build a good life and become their best self. They still need things parents can so powerfully provide such as love, encouragement, understanding, and a hopeful view of the future.

The journey for parents of a transgender child

It can be news to learn a child is transgender, and there are definite stages that most parents experience. The stages below do not always happen in order – or just once – and some may not occur at all. Some stages pass quickly, others slowly. These stages represent the struggle to accept an enormous change in your family.

Many life events can trigger feelings you thought you had worked through already. For instance, if your child begins to date, moves away to college, or encounters bullying or a hurtful comment, you may feel as if you have gone backwards to one of the earlier stages. This is common. Allow yourself to work through those feelings and regain your balance.

Initial denial or disbelief is common. Although many of us might wonder if our child is transgender even before they tell us, usually we suppress and deny this possibility out of fear of what the truth might mean to our family, or our child’s future.

Even after a transgender child comes out, parents may hope that this is a phase, a rebellion, or an experiment. However, when a child takes the major step of telling a parent they have a different gender identity, it is important to take them at their word. This can be difficult, because it means truly facing what being transgender could mean for the child and for you.  Most people don’t focus on understanding what being transgender means until it touches them personally. You may find yourself in new and uncharted territory.

Grief is sadness about a loss. We may grieve the loss of the child we “knew” and the future we imagined. We mourn the disappearance of the life we envisioned for them. It takes time to grieve the death of the dreams for our child that centre around gender-specific life events. For example, a father may experience sadness related to his expectation that he would walk his daughter down the aisle at her wedding.

As with many changes, over time new dreams are built and new hopes arise. Some hopes may remain but broaden, such as changing the hope for a good wife/husband to hope for a good partner/spouse. But the fundamental hopes and dreams canendure, such as love and happiness, career success, or starting a family.

Many parents feel the need to determine a reason why, which may lead to guilt or blame. We blame ourselves, wondering if we did something “wrong.” We blame our children for “changing” and for forcing us to readjust our vision. We might even blame their friends, partners, or other transgender people, incorrectly believing that our child was drawn to this identity through the influence of others.

Research shows being gay or transgender is not the result of any specific choice, behaviour, or event. A shift from the sex assigned at birth is not an illness, disease, or choice. Gender identity is a variant of human sexuality and development that arises as the result of complex interactions of biological, genetic, and hormonal factors. In addition, there is a growing understanding, especially among younger people, that gender is more like one point along a spectrum. That male and female are just two of many possible ways gender can be expressed and lived.

We fear what we do not understand and for most parents there are many unknowns when it comes to what it means to be transgender. We fear reactions from others and telling what may feel like a difficult truth. We fear being judged and losing our friends, family, and faith community. We fear the hatred, violence, and discrimination our transgender child may encounter and endure. All of these are realistic possibilities for both parent and child, which makes it even more important to support each other and navigate the changes together.

Sometimes, fear may be justified. If you sense a friend or family member will be hostile, you can choose to protect your child by remaining silent about their transgender identity. This is not necessarily a bad thing as long as it feels supportive to your child.

Your child should determine who knows and when to tell, for they will bear the result. A transgender child may feel safest with just friends and family knowing. Or they may pursue appearance changes that make a more public statement. Whatever their level of expression, it’s important to let them set the pace and take the lead. Follow their cues. Ask if you are in doubt. For example, “Would you mind if I tell Aunt Kay you are transgender?”

If your child is open, it is important to keep pace and show support. When a family is not open about their child’s identity it is sometimes referred to as being in the “Second Closet.” This can be a good thing if the child needs privacy, but it can be a very bad thing if the child views it as the silence of shame.

We may feel angry at…

• Society or governments for allowing or promoting discrimination.
• Ourselves, for not recognizing the truth sooner.
• Our child for causing upheaval in our family.
• Other family members when feelings intensify either for or against the transgender child.

It’s important to deal with your own anger and not direct it toward your child. Don’t expect your child to explain everything to you. Information can help combat anger, and educating yourself is a good first step, but this is your work to do. There are several books in our resources list that may be helpful to understand your experience. Talking with trusted family or friends or seeking counselling are also good options to help deal with anger.

It may help to recall that your child has honoured you by trying to be truthful and honest. Deciding not to hide anymore and a longing to live more honestly and authentically is a strong motivation for many transgender individuals. Try to honour them by managing your emotions as you grow your understanding.

With this stage comes the realization that it is we, not our child, who must change. How?

• Redraw our family picture to include this new reality
• Support our child and the family they have or will create
• Surround ourselves with other loving parents and friends
• Find a nurturing faith community
• Learn all we can and help others learn as well

Family members may not come to this understanding at the same pace, but as each person accepts and supports the transgender child, the child will gain an increased sense of safety and community.

Quite simply, this means loving your transgender child, not in spite of who they are, but just as they are.

Your acceptance of your transgender child creates a safe space where they can build a good life and become their best self. They still need things parents can so powerfully provide, such as love, encouragement, understanding, and a hopeful view of the future.  In addition, many parents find their child is happier, moreresilient, and more open and connected with them as family acceptance grows.

You may become a resource for other families by helping them find support. It is also often helpful to read stories from parents and families who have shared your experience. You can read stories from other parents on our Family Stories page.  When you are ready, consider sharing your story as well.

Advice, support and resources

Family Pride Southwest will help you make connections with other LGBT+ families. (An LGBT+ family may contain one or more parents who identify as LGBT+ and/or one or more children who identify as LGBT+).

Intercom Trust is a lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community resource covering the Southwest. They can help you as a family address any problems together with support where you know you can be yourself.

The kinds of challenges we help with:

• General tension or communication problems between parents (together or apart)
• A desire to develop your parenting skills or understanding (as a couple or individual)
• Disagreement on how to best support an LGBT+ child in the family
• Managing divorce / dissolution / separation as best as possible for the children

To access this support or simply to find out more…
https://www.intercomtrust.org.uk/lgbt-families/

LGBTQ+ Youth Groups in Truro – Find your tribe.
https://www.intercomtrust.org.uk/yay-youth-groups/

Providing LGBT+ safe spaces in schools across Cornwall

The Open Project aims to enhance the lives of young LGBT+ people across Secondary Schools in Cornwall and Devon (including Plymouth and Torbay) through providing dedicated safe space groups in secondary schools across the two counties.

Young LGBT+ people urgently need our support. Despite the advances in LGBT+ equality made in recent years, the reality for many pupils is one of bullying, stigma and discrimination. Let’s make school a place where LGBT+ pupils don’t just survive, but thrive.
https://www.intercomtrust.org.uk/school-groups/

FFLAG is part of the Safe Space Alliance, which is a LGBTQI+ led non-profit organisation that aims to help people identify, navigate, and create safe spaces for the LGBTQI+ community worldwide.
https://www.fflag.org.uk

TYP (Transparent Youth Project) is a FREE support system for gender diverse children (8-13) and their parents/carers.  Through offering FREE activity based workshops (eg cinema trips, bushcraft, songwriting), TYP will create a safe space for transgender and non-binary young people to reduce social isolation through building strong relationships with peers. Whilst the children are participating in workshops, parents and carers can come together to draw support from each other and our trained members of staff.
https://www.transparentpresence.co.uk/about-2

Safe Haven Cornwall– provide loving support for people involved within the Transgender community, whether they are trans, a partner, family or friend.
https://www.safehaven.org.uk/

Penguin Soup provides safe and inclusive spaces for members of the queer community and allies across the whole of Cornwall to come together. Our aim is to reduce isolation and disenfranchisement, increasing access to mental health support and decreasing risks of poor mental health within the community.
https://linktr.ee/penguinsoup

Stargazy Football Club is based in Hayle, Cornwall and is affiliated to the Cornwall FA. It is Cornwall’s 1st ever LGBTQ+ football organisation. The club’s aim is to provide a safe and inclusive environment, regardless of ability or experience, for people to enjoy football and the benefits of being part of a team. Email stargazyfc@gmail.com

Queer Book Club (QBC) is a collective of LGBTQIA+ people in Cornwall who get together and read books, go to events and host workshops. We also have 3 WhatsApp group chats, one for Queer Book Club, one for Queer Wild Swimming and one for Queer Cornwall Hangs. Email queerbookclubpz@gmail.com

The Old Queeriosity Shop is a queer run, LGBTQIA+ specialist bookshop based in Bretonside that is open to all members of the LGBTQIA+ community and those who support them. We pride ourselves on trying to find representation for as many identities as possible – and aim to provide a warm and welcoming safe space for those who need it.
https://toqs.co.uk/

Vocal Presence is an LGBTQ+ choir, founded by Transparent Presence after realising that many established choirs do not meet the needs of gender non-conforming people. Our mission is to provide a musical experience where it is safe to be your true self, singing within your natural range and learning to extend this when desired whatever your gender presentation.
https://www.transparentpresence.co.uk/vocal-presence-membership-and-fees-copy

Gaydio is the world’s biggest LGB&T radio station.
https://www.gaydio.co.uk/

LGBT+ books for children and young people

https://www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/lgbt-parents/lgbt-parents-books-share-your-baby
https://www.stonewall.org.uk/lgbtq-inclusive-books-children-and-young-people

LGBTQ+ inclusive books for young people aged 8-11

https://www.stonewall.org.uk/lgbtq-inclusive-books-children-aged-8-11

LGBTQ+ inclusive books for young people aged 12-14

https://www.stonewall.org.uk/lgbtq-inclusive-books-young-people-aged-12-14?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIu-L2p677ggMVw6mDBx13zwu7EAAYASAAEgJ6E_D_BwE

LGBTQ+ inclusive books for young people aged 15+

https://www.stonewall.org.uk/lgbtq-inclusive-books-young-people-aged-15

Transgender resources:

Mermaids supports transgender, nonbinary and gender-diverse children and young people until their 20th birthday, as well as their families and professionals involved in their care.
https://mermaidsuk.org.uk/

Transgender, non-binary and gender-diverse children and teens need support and understanding, as well as the freedom to explore their gender identity. Whatever the outcome, Mermaids is committed to helping families navigate the challenges they may face.

Family stories
https://www.fflag.org.uk/my-story/